Let's Get Heavy for a Second

I often take to this place to write semi-humorous blog entry about some travail in my life. Well, if you will give me the luxury, I'd like to write something serious.

It's very clear to me that I fear boredom. Yes, fear. If I don't have something to fill my time or something to look forward to I kind of freak out or become depressed. I think it started in the wake of my divorce. After I split from Stacie, I was either at work, the gym or asleep and I was not at my apartment during a whole weekend (without a party to go to or some other function) for about 4 months. And it seems that since that time, I've settled into this lifestyle of filling week nights with the same activities and making sure there is something to do for the weekends. Maybe it's good that I want to go out and have experiences after so many years of being content to sit at home and watch TV every day, but I also think it's a little ridiculous of me to go out of my way to avoid staying at home, doing nothing for a few days.

And on the rare occasions where I didn't have something to do on the weekends, I often complain it's because I don't have an extensive network of friends here. Charlotte has pointed out that I claim to be bored and lonely because I miss my friends back home. It is true that I miss the bond we all had in high school, but I can say that I don't miss "home" or high school at all. Fact is that I know who my real friends are because they make an effort to stay in contact with me. Some even go as far as to move across country. And while I do regret that I left Magnolia right as I started making friends, the truth is I had outgrown that place and needed to get away. It held just as many bad memories as it did good ones. I still see the Magnolia clan and I enjoy it greatly. So I guess I get all the benefits without the negatives.

Yet, knowing that I have friends and people who care about me, I do feel lonely a decent amount of time. I think it's because I've been that way since I was a teenager. I've always felt like the people I put my faith in and share some part of my life with are just temporary, that they will never stay around for long or I won't. I'm sure that in some way that I make this a self-fulfilling prophecy, but so far it's been fairly accurate. It's very hard to trust people. I've always been self-sufficient and rarely needed someone to take care of me (anyone who saw me hopping around on one leg to fix my dinner or do laundry when I tore my ankle up a couple years back can attest to this). It's only been recently that I needed someone other than me to entertain myself.

But I'm being all emo and whiny. There's much bigger things to worry about. Like healthcare, the economy, the environment or WWIII. I guess I should tackle that on my next entry. Sean's essay on why the world is going to hell in a hand basket.

God, I'm so cheery today I can barely stand it.

"Alone is a state of being, loneliness is a state of mind." — Townes Van Zandt