Now, I have seen some bad movies in my lifetime — Showgirls, countless straight to home video horror films, any original Syfy Channel production — but nothing seems to be as satisfyingly cringe-inducing as "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra."
I didn't go into this Red Box venture expecting much. I knew it would be bad and that was the point (my friends and I have a past time of renting bad $1 movies which we then talk over and make fun of). But for some reason, it was like my senses were being stabbed with knives made of bad acting, stupid plot, ridiculous writing and unnecessary CGI.
And we've rented some appalling films already — pick a Nicholas Cage film since Con Air that is not Matchstick Men, X Men Origins: Wolverine with its bounding (bounding!) Liev Schriber and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with your Jim Crow robots — but for some reason, this cobbled together action film couldn't even be fun to watch for explosions.
Again, my expectations are as low as my self-esteem while watching this Hollywood dog turd, but the actors couldn't even chew the scenery correctly. It could be that's because the actors included nobodies besides Dennis Quade (you're above this man) and one of the "White Chicks." But maybe, just maybe it is due to...I don't know...There was no scenery to chew besides a green screen in front of their dead-eyed, soulless faces.
I love how directors/producers go out of their way in big-time action films to insert CGI where it isn't needed. At all. For instance:
Michael Bay: "Hey, let's have this really cool set with flying robots and guys shooting at cyborgs."
Set Designer: Ok, I can probably get a drawing together of how you'd want it to look and I'm sure ILM can make up some models that with a few camera tricks, will get what you want..."
Bay: "Naw man, we'll just put some CGI in there."
Designer: "That will look very artificial and amateurish."
Bay: *throwing a tantrum* "I directed 'Armageddon'! Don't you think I know what amateurish would look like?!?!"
Designer: "I suppose you do."
In the "Knowing is Half the Battle" movie, when Destro gets his shiny head, it's CGI. WHY?!? You had a chance to make a great-looking, evil mask that would do the same thing and wouldn't look like you had university sophomore designers put a faux chrome head and face on the character. Apparently that's what you're going for.
And the climactic underwater sea battle. Oh, holy hell. What is this, Sealab 2021? No, because that's intentionally funny. The editing, on an almost entirely CGI setting, was horrendous. I couldn't tell if action figure character A was shooting at action figure character B or vice versa. And I couldn't tell if what was happening was bad or not. I guess we were supposed to be awed by the fact that G.I. Joes were assaulting an underwater lair. Which I was, but more by its stupidity than its intended shock and awe factor.
And I guess that's where the biggest problem lies. The action in the film wasn't fun or exciting. It was workman like. They gutted the only thing the movie could have had going for it — shit blowing up.
The action scenes were stereotypically placed between stilted, awkward, insidious dialogue so you knew it was coming. And when they tried to blow your mind, it came out like an underwater fart (kind of like how when you're a kid and you get an M80 and you think you'd better be careful or it'll blow your hand off, but instead it just pops).
Oh, and did I mention they work in the line "Knowing is half the battle"? Because they do. And the tongue is nowhere near the cheek that it should be for a line such as that.
Anywho, the fact that they made a straight to DVD movie and gussied it up to be a blockbuster is what gets me the most. It's not the memories of the childhood cartoon or that I played with G.I. Joes. I could care less, it's that they insulted me with this tripe and expected me to be impressed.
But at least it wasn't seven hours long like Transformers 2.
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