D-I-V-O-R-C-E

One thing people have told me repeatedly over the past few months is that a divorce is the hardest thing you can go through. Hard is not the right word. There really isn't a word for it — it is the yin to the yang of how love does not adequately describe how you feel when you truly "love" someone.

Divorce is almost insurmountable. It is the Sisyphean task of the modern age. You feel better one day then something incredibly inert reminds you of why you're in this in the first place and next thing you know, you have to start all over again.

Still, it is as much a physical battle as it is emotional. When you've lived for something, for a purpose for years, it is hard to see a reason to make your muscles move. It is hard to drag yourself out of bed. It is difficult to do the things you did before because they remind you of that person, at first. It is hard to live. But you keep living because that's all you know how to do. Then you make your own way, just like you did before. But it is a long, slow climb back.

One thing I've learned in the past three months is that the cliche of "one day at a time" is very true. There are stages to go through. Because of how my marriage ended, I was lucky enough to get through the early stages very easily.

I take solace in my situation that, specifics aside, I was not at fault for this, my ex and I still care about each other and there was nothing I could do to avoid this (other than not getting married in the first place). It was also a very simple divorce of "take your stuff you brought in or bought for yourself and we'll divide the rest."

I still love her and I always will. The best scenario I can give is if I were to be told the end result of my relationship with her beforehand and given the chance to go through it or avoid it, I would chose to play out the next 2 and 1/2 years the same. Our wedding and honeymoon were probably the best experiences I've ever had, and these were just two experiences in a long line of subsequent good times that were largely devoid of bad ones.

Therefore, it was better to have loved and lost than never loved at all or the means justified the end.

While it was not messy and there were no children involved, Jesus the horror if the opposite were true. An amicable split has been hell on my psyche and body at times (I did indulge in various self-destructive activities). But I did learn some things. First, I am more resilient and mature than I gave myself credit for. Second, I found out who my true friends are. Third, I am a good guy and whoever lands me will be lucky.

The last statement might be presumptuous to say that there will be another person. It may also be cocky to say that I will make that person happy, but I know it to be true. I worked really hard at this past relationship and that's probably the main reason we hung on when it could have died long ago.

I do, however, want the next one to be clean. I have to fix myself first. The idea of a relationship seems repulsive. I have to work at my current condition, which has been the ability to shut down when dealing with serious emotions. I can't handle the reactions of others when it comes to grief or anger. It's very much like a switch I can flip where I feel no empathy or concern.

The only thing I have that keeps me going is I know, one day, I will get there.